When a parent who abandoned their child passes away, it can trigger conflicting emotions, grief, anger, guilt, or even indifference. Many struggle with whether to attend the funeral, how to cope with family pressure, and how to process unresolved feelings of abandonment.
Kate’s letter:
Hello!
My dad lived on the other side of the world. He died two days ago. Ever since, my family has been on my case about flying over for his funeral. It’s a 20-hour flight, super expensive, and they’re all saying if I don’t go, I’ll regret it forever. To them, I’m already the bad guy for refusing.
But here’s the thing: this man walked out on me when I was 8. He packed his bags, moved abroad, and started over with a new family. He didn’t say goodbye. No phone calls, no visits. Just the occasional birthday card that I later realized wasn’t even in his handwriting. My mom raised me on her own, and I learned early on not to expect anything from him.
Now he’s gone, and his “new family” wants me to show up and act like I was part of his life. They expect me to stand there crying at his grave when he never cared enough to show up for me.
Here’s where it gets complicated. Yesterday, one of my half-siblings reached out to me privately. I was shocked when he told me they found a box of letters my dad wrote to me over the years but never sent. Apparently, his wife (their mom) kept them hidden. The letters were full of apologies, regrets, and promises that he wanted to make things right. He even said once that he’d bought tickets to visit me but never went through with it.
So now I don’t know how to feel. On one hand, I feel like I owe nothing to a man who abandoned me. On the other, what if he really did regret it and I never gave him the chance? Am I wrong for staying home, or is it okay to protect myself even if it makes me the villain?
Thank you in advance,
– Kate.
Thank you for sharing your story, Kate! It takes a lot of courage to open up about something this personal. We tried to gather some pieces of advice that might help you see things from different angles. Hopefully, even if just one of them clicks, it gives you a bit of clarity or comfort moving forward.
Funerals are for the living, not the dead.
Listen, you don’t owe your dad’s new family some big performance of grief. Funerals are for the living, not the dead. If being there would just make you feel fake or bitter, then why put yourself through it? You can grieve or not in your own way, wherever you are.
You’re not the bad guy here.
You’re not a villain for protecting yourself. Think about it: if someone treated your best friend the way your dad treated you, would you be telling them, “Oh yeah, go drop thousands of dollars and 20 hours of your life to honor him”? Probably not.
Closure doesn’t need a plane ticket.
If the regret thing is eating at you, you don’t have to make some huge, dramatic gesture. You could do something small, light a candle, write him a letter you never sent, say what you wish you could’ve said. That’s your closure, not anyone else’s.