When an aging parent needs care, families often face tough decisions about who does what. This raw Reddit story dives into a sibling dispute over caring for a father with dementia, sparking a huge online debate. See why this caregiver dilemma has everyone talking about family duty and broken agreements.
A woman recently shared her frustrating and deeply personal family drama on Reddit.
Her post centers on a caregiving arrangement for her father that has suddenly, and dramatically, gone off the rails. She begins, “I (35F) am a nurse practitioner and my brother (37M) works in retail management. Our father (72M) was recently diagnosed with dementia and can no longer live alone safely. Six months ago, when Dad’s condition became apparent, we had several family meetings about what to do.”
It’s clear from her words that this wasn’t a snap decision; they tried to plan. The initial agreement, in her words, made practical sense: “Since I make significantly more money than my brother and have better benefits, we all agreed, including Dad when he was having a clearer day, that my brother would move in with Dad and become his primary caregiver.”
She even notes that her brother “seemed relieved because he’d been complaining about his job for years and said this would give him purpose.” To seal the deal and make it financially viable, she “agreed to cover the financial shortfall and any medical expenses not covered by Dad’s insurance.”
This sounds like a solid plan, right? A win-win, even.
However, things took an unexpected turn. “My brother has been staying with Dad for the past month, getting familiar with his routines and medications. Everything seemed to be going smoothly.
But yesterday, my brother called me and said he’d been thinking it over and believes I should be the one to quit my job instead.” His reasoning? Daughters are “naturally better” at caregiving, and he hinted at a possible promotion that “would help with expenses.”
Here’s where the woman’s frustration, and frankly, ours, starts to boil over. She reminds him of their carefully constructed agreement: “I reminded him that we’d already decided this based on practical considerations, my income is nearly double his, I have job security, and honestly, I’ve seen how he gets frustrated with Dad’s repetitive questions. Plus, Dad’s already adjusted to having him around.”
But logical arguments weren’t enough. “My brother got angry and accused me of being selfish and not caring about our father’s emotional needs.”
The emotional manipulation didn’t stop there.
She reveals, “He’s been sending me texts all week about how I’m abandoning my family responsibilities and that our mother would be ’disappointed’ in me (she passed away three years ago).”
She concludes her post with the core of her dilemma: “The thing is, this was his idea originally. He specifically told me he wanted to do this and that it made more sense practically. I don’t understand why he’s suddenly trying to back out now that we’re actually implementing our plan. Am I a bad person for sticking to our agreement?”
People shared their honest opinions online.
- “You shouldn’t quit your job, but this agreement is not working. Being a caregiver is physically exhausting and emotionally draining. It’s clearly more than your brother can handle. You and your brother need to hire someone to help.” © Mother_Tradition_774 / Reddit
- “Being a full-time caregiver is hard, exhausting, isolating work. Your brother found that out and no longer want to do it. That’s understandable. Maybe you can both work and be able to afford a caregiver during the day?” © No_Masterpiece81 / Reddit
- “Your brother is experiencing buyer’s remorse in a sense and projecting onto you. You don’t quit your job. You give your brother an option. He either helps you half-and-half with the expenses of getting a qualified support sitter or look at assisted living. He’s breaking the agreement, he needs to own up to the burden of helping get your father quality care.” © Efficient-Jacket-386 / Reddit
- “He had no idea of what he was signing himself up for. He thought it would be easier sitting home with Dad than working a desk job he disliked. Instead, he learned it’s hard, and horrible, and 24/7. As a nurse, you probably have some idea of what it’s like. Now, Brother’s clutching at any straw that might get him out of it. No, you should not swap places with him. But both of you should be looking for alternative care. Dad’s going to need more than you can give, possibly very soon.” © JoyReader0 / Reddit
What’s your take on this? Do you think the sister should give in to her brother’s demands, or is she right to stick to their original plan? Share your thoughts and let us know what you would do in this difficult situation in the comments below.